One Leg Too Few
Peter Cook: The scene is set in a producer's office. [moves a chair to center stage] By the magic of placing a chair in the middle of this place, we have conjured up a producer's office. [in character, calls out to stage right] Uh, Miss Rigby? Stella, my love? Would you send in the next auditioner, please? Thank you, my dear. 

[Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, the other leg -- the left one -- tucked under the coat - he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.] 

Peter Cook: Nice to see you. 

Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you. 

Peter Cook: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore's shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not? 

Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott's the name, acting's my game.

Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.

Dudley Moore: Right.

Peter Cook: If you'd like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott. 

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his "stump" on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan? 

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn't help noticing -- almost immediately -- that you are a one-legged man. 

Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that? 

Peter Cook: When you've been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively. 

Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP.

Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes.

Dudley Moore: Mm, yes.

Peter Cook: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right.

Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste. 

Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes. 

Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter... are applying for the role. 

Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes. 

Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role? 

Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to. 

Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient. 

Dudley Moore: The leg division? 

Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It's a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, "Hello! What a
lovely leg for the role!" 

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I've got nothing against your right leg. 

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: The trouble is -- neither have you. [delayed applause] You, uh, you fall down on the left.

Dudley Moore: You mean it's inadequate? 

Peter Cook: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott. 

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: In my view, the public is not yet ready ...

Dudley Moore: No?

Peter Cook: ... for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting "Hello, Jane."

Dudley Moore: No. No, right.

Peter Cook: But don't despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent. 

Dudley Moore: Well, I've got twice as many.

Peter Cook: You're streets ahead!

Dudley Moore: So there's still hope? 

Peter Cook: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type of
artiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom.

Dudley Moore: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom.

[Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.]

Peter Cook: I'm just sorry I can't be more definite at this stage.

Dudley Moore: Oh, good Lord!

Peter Cook: But you must understand ... these days.  We've so much tied up in the remake of Gone With The Wind, Part Four, we can't afford...

[Applause drowns out some of Cook's parting comments to Moore who exits right, hopping and waving goodbye. The SNL band begins to play and Cook, alone on stage, does a little hopping himself to the music as we fade out.]


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